Seven decades after Adolf Hitler put a bullet through his skull in a bunker in Berlin, I laid out an Ouija board on a rainy night invoking his spirit.
Excerpts from that extraordinary, extrasensory interview:
OK, why did you sport such a ridiculous moustache?
I had overtrimmed it but Goebbels exclaimed as if it was the best thing to have happened to humanity. They somehow convinced me to stick to it. Trottel!
Were you always like this? A remorseless man who left death and destruction in his wake
I was a kind boy. I distinctly remember feeding a cat before smashing its head just to hear how dying cats sound.
Why did you call yourself ‘Fuhrer’?
Because ‘Satan’ had already been taken.
You dated Eva Braun for 16 years and married her barely 40 hours before committing suicide. Why?
I was dying, wanted to tick another box on my way out.
You shot yourself, she took a cyanide pill. Why?
The pistol was supposed to be empty! It was the b***h!
Apparently you were a decent painter. Any interest in music?
Post-death, Nazia Hassan is my favourite singer.
Of “Aap jaisa koi” fame?
Right. Guess why? Because there’s a ‘Nazi’ in ‘Nazia’.
Next you’d tell me Benazir Bhutto is your favourite politician. Did India interest you?
Bose came to meet me.
We were disappointed with each other. OK, enough, tschüss.