DEAD CELEB INTERVIEW: Audrey Hepburn


By Tony Tharakan

Audrey, did you read this newspaper feature about Christie’s auctioning your stuff?
Hand me my purse, will you, darling? A girl can’t read that sort of thing without her lipstick.

Audrey Hepburn 1956Here you go. As you can see, they are auctioning all your treasured items
Including my Burberry raincoat and all my ballet pumps. I am a very stylish girl.

And a good one too
I’m a good girl, I am. Which is why you will buy all my stuff at the London auction in September.

Why me?
So that they don’t end up with the creepy billionaire who bought my favourite “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” outfit the last time.

But there’s no way I can afford any of it
Trust me now you can. I got St. Peter to transfer enough credits from the Central Bank of Heaven to make you a billionaire on Earth.

Really? That’s cool. Thank you. But why me?
Because you are my biggest fan. You watched “My Fair Lady” 97 times.

Yes, I did. Can you please say some lines from the movie?
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain

One more, please
In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen

Wow! One from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” too, please
It’s better to look at the sky than live there. Such an empty place; so vague. Just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear.

And now that you are dead and live in the sky. Are you used to it?
I’ll never get used to anything. Anybody that does, they might as well be dead.

But you are dead. Does that make you sad?
If we’re going to be friends, let’s get one thing straight right now. I hate snoops!

But how do you spend your time in heaven?
Dressing up all the angels in Hubert de Givenchy creations. We have a blast at all the celestial fashion weeks. Didn’t I tell you that this was a wonderful place?

Sounds like heavenly bliss
Actually, depravity can be terribly boring if you don’t smoke or drink. It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.

You do have Cat though?
Yes, pets do go to heaven

And…?
I have to leave you now. Promise not to watch me go beyond the corner.

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