CELEB DIARY: He’s huge, he’s big, he’s?


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By: Zeyad Masroor Khan

 

The sun is shining brightly. I am still the President.

 

More than dyeing my hair in a unique shade of orange, the bigger hassle is to decide which red tie to wear. Went for the reddest one.

 

It was nostalgic meeting Hulk Hogan in the lobby, taking me back to my WWE days. Those were the glory days.

 

The violet-haired hottie with Hulk…Can nuke a country for her. Will ask the secret service guys to find her address. Looks like someone I can grab and get away with.

 

A phone call from  one of the poor sods running that useless country (can’t remember the name) just about ruined the morning. Poor guy needed some aid to built hospitals. Told him to bugger off.

 

Still trying to convince our southern neighbors to pay for the wall. I may probably ask my red-haired friends to hack their banks. Or put some sanctions.

 

The morning security briefing mentioned the progress we have made with the captured aliens. Nearly puked the last time I saw them. Hate all aliens except ET.

 

The so-called king says he wants to give me some award. These people are alright if you keep a safe distance and don’t allow them within ten miles of civilization.

 

Wife says she wants a holiday. I probably need covfefe.

 

I so, so miss the fishing, golfing, beauty pageants and reality TV shows. The governance shit is boring. Will ask my daughter to attend the silly T-20 (T, C, G, whatever) meet. These bodies are just worthless money guzzlers.

 

The money we spend on peacekeeping shit, if we spent on wars, there would be nobody to even challenge us. We are going soft.

 

Had tea with the young president from the neighbourhood. The chap is handsome and all, but I could sense a deluded commie hidden inside him. Told him the world is not run by utopian ideals and the equal rights shit. It runs on money, oil and war.

 

Time to talk to my secret service guy about the violet-haired babe.

 

Life is good. I am still the President.

 

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